Fat Shaming is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice. Being obese makes you a second class citizen in the world most people reading this live in (so all four of you). I don’t say this to get anyone riled up and I’m not riled up as I type this. What I want to share is that a lot of peace came to my psyche when I realized that this is the reality of the world, its not about me, it’s our culture, its not personal to me even if it affects me very personally. I have accepted that I feel bad about my weight when I think about it, I have mourned this fact, and feel better about life on the other side.
I wanted to have my cake– I wanted the world to see me as a beautiful and worthy— and be thin–and couldn’t see my life as beautiful and worthy— too.
If you’re a woman in America, you have body image issues. All of ’em. Every single one. If you don’t well then please email me-I would like to meet you. You can, however, relate to the insecurities differently. Men have them too, of course. Knowing that everyone has insecurities and that sometimes you just have bad days or bad moods, makes it have less grip on me. I made the courageous decision to stop feeling bad about feeling bad. What a rebel, huh?
My success in weight-loss came from a lot of small slow changes to change the way I lived with food and exercise but also slow steady changes to retrain my brain (like losing weight – I lost thoughts, too), I thought about it a lot and I spent a lot of time making lists and really sitting with how great some things in my life are in some ways because of my fat. These lists were kind of hilarious.
- I had to find other ways to get people to like me
- It made me independent
- It made me strong
- It protected me from teenage pregnancy (hahah. okay, a working theory.. but having low self-esteem and being unpopular with boys maybe helped me avoid some things? maybe?).
When I stopped being angry at myself, at others, I became nicer to myself and others. This is so true. Ask my friend Erin. One day she stopped while we were walking on the street in New York City–she was there visiting and hadn’t seen me in a while– and I turned around and said “why’d you stop?” confused. She stood there and said “why are you so amazing to be around, Stephanie? What’s going on! ” Hahaha. It was that defined. I said “I know! Right! It’s so crazy. I’ve been really working on how I look at life” (with the help of a coach and NLP). My anxiety was going down. Also, don’t you like that my friend and I talk like that! hahaha.
I stopped worrying and started to feel sad for all of us trapped in this system of hierarchical beauty. Wouldn’t it be great if I day dreamed of curing cancer? Yes. But I don’t. Have I had people harass me for being fat? Yes. Sadly. Am I terrified every time I go on an internet date that the guy will think I’m too fat and be mean? Yes. I have to talk myself through fight or flight responses when I do get brave enough to go. I have been called names on the street by strangers. I have had guys try to intimidate me into having sex (this british guy did not enjoy getting drinks at the TGIF in Times Square when he said I was “lucky he even wanted to have sex with me”. Yeah, I’m one of those loud cryers), bullies in school, etc. Not to bring anyone down, really, but I have good reasons to feel bad. My stereotypically beautiful friends have problems, too. It’s on both sides. People can be jealous and spiteful, sometimes they trust that men care when they are just being used for their bodies–which also doesn’t feel good.
When someone I know says I look great–meaning they can tell I’ve lost weight–I sometimes say things like “thank you… its my dream to one day be judged solely on the basis of my looks. this whole developing a personality thing is exhausting” I like to say things like this to make people laugh not to dismiss the compliment. I’m saying it in good fun. I hope in some small way it gets people to consider the absurdity that it matters so much. When people have general conversations about feeling bad about their bodies with me now, I suggest they stop trying to change it and just accept it and have compassion for themselves and others.
My mom-friend said to me “I don’t know why she thinks that way… she’s beautiful,” about her daughter’s body image stuff. I asked my friend “do you feel good about your looks?” She stammered “uh. not me… ugh I look so fat and old.. but my daughter is beautiful the way she is.” “You are beautiful the way you are.” “No, i have wrinkles and cellulite.” “Yeah, weird that she is worried about her looks.”
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